We have a new tent.

It is to replace the campervan which was retired from active service a year ago.

In order to prove to ourselves that we can put up the new tent we went on a highly unadventurous camping trip to a camp site approximately 3 miles from home at Barleylands, a ‘farm park’ that people around here visit in order to make themselves feel as if they have been to the countryside. This small escapade proved that our pitching is yet to be perfected. We did get there eventually though (picture above) and retired to a local pub to recover.

Question for tent geeks: The whole of the tent material seems to have ended up pulled right over to one side of the tent on both of the occasions we have pitched it. So on one side you have the merest glimpse of tent pole, but on the other side quite a few inches (or centimetres for you young people) of tent pole visible. This makes it very difficult to put the final pole into place. Such a thing does not happen in the video and there doesn’t really seem to be a way to make adjustments. Also (unlike the video) there are arguments and some mild swearing. Is this normal?

Posted by Dave at 3:03 pm on August 1, 2010 and filed under Essex Life, Photographs.

18 Comments

I now have the keys to the new office and will be moving some things in over the weekend. Here are some pictures of the office in its empty state. Warning: Those who find dull pictures uninteresting should look away now.

Above: Empty office. Note heater and powerpoints. The computing department will be on the left I think, and the drawing department on the right. The location of the filing department is still to be determined. It looks a bit dark – that is because the lights aren’t on, it was cloudy and the windows are tinted a bit.

(Click ‘read the rest of this entry’ for more of this kind of thing.)
Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by Dave at 8:57 am on April 30, 2010 and filed under CartoonChurch progress, Essex Life, Mundane, Photographs, Starting a Business.

12 Comments

We have one or more squirrels in the roof. I hear it, or them, pacing inside the soffits. There is no way to tell how many squirrels there are, because in the time it takes to move the stepladder to the loft hatch, work out how to open the step ladder, work out how to open the loft hatch, find someone to hold the ladder steady and pop ones head up into the loft space the squirrel(s) have long since gone or hidden. For the purposes of this essay I shall assume one squirrel.

Possible ways to get rid of a squirrel in the roof:

1. Scare it away with flashing bicycle lights and the Divine Comedy pumped in at medium volume (no particular reason for it being the Divine Comedy except that I’ve never heard of a squirrel liking the Divine Comedy). Problem: The neighbours might be disturbed.

2) Find the hole where it is getting in, and block it. Issues: (a) I have been watching for a while and I have not seen any holes (2) The hole could belong to a neighbour’s house. We are not detached and I believe our soffets and lofts are linked by a hidden maze of squirrel tunnels.

3) Send up the cats. Difficulty: Our cats would be more trouble in the roof than our squirrel.

4) Borrow a squirrel cage, trap the squirrel and release it inside the M25 (we are outside the M25).

5) Call someone who knows about these sorts of things.

6) Write about it on my internet web blog and hope that my readers include a fully licenced diocesan squirrel catcher.

Questions for Lent groups:
i) Tell the group about a time you had a squirrel in your roof.
ii) List some of the spiritual ’squirrels’ you have faced and how you overcame them.

Posted by Dave at 9:45 pm on September 29, 2009 and filed under Essex Life, Household hints, My problems.

21 Comments

I was quite surprised when I had a look on the library computer to find that I had had one of my books for over 100 years. Fortunately the maximum fine for such an offence is £3.70.

Posted by Dave at 11:04 am on June 25, 2008 and filed under Essex Life, Photographs.

10 Comments

Sorry everyone.

I would like to point out that my van does not present a blockage to the emergency services. There is plenty of room for them to get past. However, the refuse and cleansing operational services (bin men) have to reverse around a corner and so I can see why they would think my van could be in the way. I will therefore resolve to be a better parker from now on.

I blame the people who planned our housing estate in the first place who did not leave enough room for people to park thereby making it very difficult not to upset the refuse and cleansing operational services. This would I assume be Basildon Council.

PS I think that signature is a forgery.

Posted by Dave at 2:22 pm on June 11, 2008 and filed under Campervans, Essex Life.

7 Comments

It might seem as if I post the same cartoon week in and week out, but in fact it’s just your memory playing tricks.

On Saturday we went down to Greenwich market. It’s quite easy from here – for those that are interested: Buy a travelcard, change at West Ham onto the Jubilee line and then onto the Docklands Light Railway at Canary Wharf. On the way back we decided, upon a whim, to go into the centre of town. It was crazy – absolutely crazy. Oxford street was closed to traffic and the whole place was thronging with a great multitude as far as the eye could see, which wasn’t that far as there was a great multitude in the way. There were queues to get into the tube station, out of the tube station and most places in-between.

Shopping is the religion of our day, with football being a sort of a runner-up religion. Of course I can’t blame everyone else for being there outside Bond Street tube, as we were there too. Perhaps they all, like us, went on a whim.

The church is trying to stop Sunday opening hours being extended, and for that I applaud them.

For me, the ideal as far as present buying goes would to not spend so much on Christmas presents this year and instead make them out of odds and ends that I find lying around the house. We do have an abundance of odds and ends and we need to cut down on them, so it would be good from all points of view. I will start by dismantling the cardboard-box house I built for the cats and seeing what I can turn it into. We must all pull together, and that includes the cats.

I doubt I will succeed, but I will try a bit. The Buy Nothing Christmas site (Thanks to Ian for the reminder) has ideas and resources for those who, like me, mean well.

Posted by Dave at 7:33 pm on December 3, 2007 and filed under Advent, Cartoons, Essex Life, Religion.

5 Comments

As I have said before (hence the continued’) I love the idea of getting a folding bike. The picture above is me test riding a ‘Brompton’, the ultimate in folding bikes, at the Cycle Show. Bromptons cost about £600 once you have bought all the trimmings. As you can see I am blurred owing to my great velocity. The lady on the right is guiding the traffic as the test track is a figure of 8 – in other words it crosses over itself on a diagonal basis. This is to give an element of danger which adds realism to the test ride. The other lady on the right is the assistant to the lady guiding the traffic. I’m not sure what her job is, but it involves standing there. The figure on the left is a cardboard cutout for safety reasons as it would be too dangerous to have a real person there with all these test-cyclists whizzing around. This also adds a sense of realism for those who will find themselves regularly riding in areas populated largely by cardboard cutouts.

When I was in the supermarket yesterday I noticed that someone was advertising a folding bicycle for only £25 in the postcards. £25! Buoyed with enthusiasm I called up and made my enquiries. Unfortunately the man did not have the answers to my in-depth questions, like ‘What make is it?’, so I decided I had better go and see it.

I went on my folding bicycle inspection excursion this morning. Upon seeing the bicycle I instantly knew that it was not what I was looking for as it was a bit rubbish, so told him that I would not be buying it. I came up with a convincing reason involving the handlebars. He said that that was fine, not a problem at all. At which point in a moment of madness I said: ‘Oh, alright then, I’ll buy it.’

I am an idiot sometimes.

Unfortunately the bicycle really is rubbish. It is unique amongst folding bicycles in that it folds into a shape bigger and less convenient than the shape it started from. One popular folding bicycle website says this about it:

The Skoda of folding bikes – the Universal is still the cheapest folder available, but the Chinese are challenging. Made in Poland, the bike looks like a 1960s-vintage ’shopper’, which is exactly what it is. It’s heavy, it doesn’t fold very well or clip together, and the ride and handling are poor. Yawn, yawn. Long, long overdue for a replacement

Does anyone want to buy a folding bicycle?

To you – £25.

Posted by Dave at 11:31 pm on October 31, 2007 and filed under Cycling, Essex Life, Photographs.

7 Comments

We are currently in the evening class signing up season. Brochures are being thumbed, tutors are reading up on their subjects and people like me are telephoning the admissions hotline.

Last year if you remember I did two different oil painting classes. This year I have changed direction and have decided that I am going to not do something artistic but rather study a topic of general and sundry interest. So, I have chosen to go to a class about Psychology. I am hoping to learn about the secrets of good morale and also Wednesday evenings are convenient.

Is anyone else going to a course and learning about something about which they were hitherto ignorant? Is anyone tutoring and if so what on? Is anyone umming and/or arring about whether to do a course? If so step forward and we will persuade you.

Update: I spoke too soon:

Posted by Dave at 1:14 pm on September 19, 2007 and filed under Cartoons, Essex Life.

15 Comments

I have recently been working on the website for the Parish of Langdon Hills, Basildon, Essex. I’m just putting a post on here to let the search engines know about it. Regular readers: feel free to talk amongst yourselves or take an opportunity to visit the lavatories or the book stall.

If you’re looking for a Basildon Church or more specifically a Langdon Hills Church then this is the place to find information. There are specific pages on St Mary’s Church and St John’s Church. Brilliant!

There. That wasn’t so bad was it.

Posted by Dave at 10:45 am on September 18, 2007 and filed under Church, Essex Life, Religion.

7 Comments

This is a three minute cartoon, which explains why it looks a bit odd. The dogs look like crosses between sheep and rabbits, but that is just the angle. The man walking is stooped over owing to the burdensome cares of life which are weighing heavily upon his weary shoulders. The trees are just there for scenic effect, so I have put a minimal amount of effort into them. You will notice that there is one tree near the three dog walkers, but three trees near the single non dog walker. This is hidden symbolism.

I have noticed that it is not really acceptable to go walking in our local country park without a dog or a child. I suppose this is why people have dogs or children. The advantage of a dog over a child is that a dog can be walked on any day of the week, whereas children are mainly walked at the weekends.

Yesterday I went walking for about two hours. We are blessed with a country park that is a few minutes from the house and it does not take long to get to a point where you could be in the countryside as long as you go in one particular direction. From some of the lofty points you can see Canary Wharf and the Gherkin, as we are the first bit of quite high ground that you come to if you go east from London. It really was quite beautiful yesterday evening, what with the sunshine and everything.

I have put up a poll in the left hand column to see what you take when you go walking. It will help me to see whether I am odd when I walk, or whether it is the people giving me odd looks who are odd.

[Update: results of poll are to the right.]

Posted by Dave at 7:44 pm on July 2, 2007 and filed under Essex Life, In-depth analysis.

29 Comments

Owing to various problems I went to the doctor. I told the doctor that I thought my problems might be connected to my ears, so he took a look and told me that perhaps my ears and my problems might be connected.

To tell the end of a long story: I am going to have my right ear syringed tomorrow. I went a week ago and had it done, but it did not really work, so I am going back for another go.

In order to prepare for the aforementioned procedure it is necessary to put olive oil into your ear thrice daily for a week. Two drops a time, making a total of 42 drops. I have done it for two weeks, so 84 drops. If I am to be honest I have quite often forgotten, so I put 6 drops in at the end of the day so that my overall droppage is still what it should be.

In the olden days olive oil was placed in ones ear using a teaspoon and a shaky hand. It was quite difficult and often meant olive oil on the face, hair and carpet. Nowadays you go to the chemist for a special dropper. It is a lot easier and means that you will only get oil over your face and carpet.

It is important to incline your ear after you have applied the olive oil, otherwise it will run straight back out onto your face, hair and carpet (as in the days of the teaspoon). It is best to continue tilting for a number of minutes or for as long as you can be bothered to be so inclined. The diagrams above show some of the postures I have been adopting over the last two weeks whilst trying to make olive oil soak into my inner ear. Hopefully this will explain a thing or two.

Message to people seeking invoices / replies / answers: I’m going to try really hard to get up to date within the next 48 hours, though some of this work may be delivered at an angle of between 30 and 45 degrees.

Posted by Dave at 11:30 pm on June 26, 2007 and filed under Cartoons, Essex Life, In-depth analysis.

22 Comments

Evie sits on the desk and shows me where the lines should go. Unfortunately she is rather more interested in things like noises and creatures, so her attention is often divided as the picture shows.

This evening I had planned to some of the drawings you suggested earlier and also one or two e-mails, but I spent the evening attempting to feed tablets to cats instead.

• Tablet crushed and sprinkled on catfood: failure
• Tablet crushed and sprinkled on lovely chicken: failure
• Tablet inserted into a piece of catfood: failure
• Tablet inserted into a piece of lovely chicken: failure
• Tablet inserted into a piece of lovely cheese: failure
• Mouth of cat opened by force and tablet shoved in: failure

Tomorrow I will be phoning the vets and explaining our problems.

Apologies for the things I have left undone (e-mails etc). See note above about tablets.

Posted by Dave at 11:48 pm on June 18, 2007 and filed under Cartooning, Essex Life.

24 Comments