The latest book
Advertisement Feature
Book 3
The book before that
The first book
See the:
See my blog posts about:
Do a search
Archives
5 popular cartoons
Links
The Cartoon Blog
Dave Walker's blog. Dave is a freelance cartoonist who draws a weekly 'Guide to the Church' for the Church Times. (more)Follow via:
The blog by email:
Recent Comments Grouped by Post
The Last 10 Comments
Things you can do
Recent Posts
Subscribe
Other sundries
Good morning. A break from cartoons today as I could do with a tiny bit of help. Today’s topic for the cartoon lab (hosted on this blog today):
Going back to church
Any suggestions on this welcomed: What to expect, what to do when you get there, what to expect, pitfalls to avoid, any other angle you can think of. I need to do a new cartoon on this subject today: any suggestions welcomed and greatly appreciated.
If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy these (possibly)
related articles:
If you liked this post why not send it to someone else by e-mail? Click here to do so.
This is a single post on the Cartoon Blog by Dave
posted on Thursday, May 31st, 2012 at 8:09 am. Click here to read all of the latest posts.
Both comments and pings are currently closed.
Other things technologically advanced people may like to do: trackback from another site, follow responses via the comments feed, bookmark on del.icio.us or digg.
Hi Dave, how about how to navigate the ‘welcome committee’ and people with distinctively different opinions to you? Sneaking in without being spotted, your arrival isn’t necessarily ‘an answer to prayer’ etc.
Hope all good with you and will be in touch soon. All the best – Steven
People avoid helicopters and churches for the same reason – they’re afraid of the rotas.
what about images of the over enthusiastic kissers and welcomers – the mwaoers!
Welcomers and how they welcome different groups?
Young mums/families – ethusatically
Elderly – speaking slowly and LOUDLY
Youth in heavy metal t-shirts – like they have the plague
Walk in like you’ve never been away and sit in your “usual” seat
Hmm… how about, if they’ve been away they’ve missed part of the story. Something akin to watching Eastenders in 1993 and then starting again now. That could be a funny twist…
Or going in to find lots of “missing person” posters with your picture on it. “Have you seen this man? Last seen in church in 2010. Must be returned safely as still needs Jesus!” or something.
Ok, I’m out of ideas.
I don’t think any of these are particularly drawable but what about
Map showing best seats to take (for snooze, best view of sermon, easy exit)
Understanding new hymn book coding. They may have taken the hymn books away and replaced them with A Screen
Minor amendment on page 37 of the service booklet that might cause you to trip up in a response
Check the church is still there and hasn’t moved to new premises, like above a supermarket
Read the church website before you go to find out what you missed from last month 
Splendid. Lots of really useful things. Can’t tell you how helpful this is. More welcomed though!
Arrive early, walk in boldly and sit at the front.
Arrive late, sneak in and sit at the back.
Arrive a carefully calculated 3 minutes before the service starts and then discover they’ve changed the service time to 30 minutes earlier and you hadn’t checked.
A bishop of my acquaintance was very worried about going back to the church he had worshipped in as a child. Comments along the lines of “my bishop, haven’t you grown!” seemed to be the sort of thing he was worried about.
Going to church in 1978 for a simple service with old hymns, the preacher doing his best to send you to sleep, and the polite chitter chatter at the end over tea and biscuits.
Then returning in 2012 for what seems to be a euphoric rock concert, followed by a preacher who tries to dazzle you with how clever his concepts on spirituality are without mentioning gospel truths, and then strangely returning for tea and biscuits with eyes blinded, ears bleeding and head throbbing so no-one can comprehend anything (each other, exit doorways or trailing cables from speakers).
Singing the same old hymns you knew as a child but you trip up over the politically correct and all inclusive wording.
Being throttled by bear hugs from “old friends” you hardly remember.
A literal pitfall: where there was a step up last time you came but now there is step down. Or trying to sit in your old pew but landing on the floor because they replaced the pews with folding chairs.
Different respones to the return
Long lost friend welocme
Unrealiable – are you stopping this time!
Do I know you from somewhere?
Pretend they have never been away
The first time I went to a pentecostal church I was spotted as ‘new’ and ambushed by the pastor’s children, all four of them…!
Going back to a church for the first time in 30 years, and finding that absolutely nothing has changed. Including the sermons.
Once again I return to the theme of standing up and sitting down, which is something that seems to worry a lot of people who are not used to church, or who are returning to church after an absence (I speak from painful personal experience!) You could have a ‘back to church Sunday’ cartoon in which all the returnees are standing up or sitting down at different times, according to their dodgy memories, or who are all resolutely standing up or sitting down, regardless. Or there could be a standing up and sitting down monitor who’s job it is to make sure they do it in the correct place (maybe with a big pokey stick), or someone who stands at the front with big placards saying ‘stand up’or ‘sit down’, to be held aloft at the appropriate times. In fact this could be extended to cover any part of the service it is deemed the returnees might need help with, for instance the peace – the placard could say ‘hug now’ or ‘now politely shake hands’ or whatever, depending on the degree of enthusiasm with which the peace is celebrated in that particular church.
Keep up the good work Dave – always look forward to your blog and cartoons.
If you leave it long enough before returning, you might find it’s now a carpet shop.
Avoiding the Vicar at the end
Being ingored by the Sidespeople/Welcomers who are already sitting down
Being asked to move because ‘this is my seat’
A pile of books and hymns so high you can’t see over the top of it
Binoculars to see the screen
A church with lots of TV Screens down the sides and everyone watching differnet channels (perhaps could have their own remote controls!)
What about a list of tips for blending in? Eg. Don’t walk in with a take away coffee. Do ‘t say, “I’d like a ticket for the 10:00 show, please.”
Being asked to read the lesson “because you used to be on the rota before you went to college” then reading very loudly because they didn’t have microphones before you went to college.
Realising that you don’t know the actions to the worship songs even if you have heard them on Songs of Praise.
Thank you for your cartoons – the first thing I look for in the Church Times every week.
These days, there is an entire army of people at the doors to ‘welcome’ you with handshakes, hugs, pamphlets, offering envelopes, bulletins, prayerbooks, hymnals, songsheets, orders-of-service, and all sorts of people to sit near and around you to make sure you don’t have any difficulties following what’s going on. Vampires?
Variation on Ann’s suggestion:
Arrive early, walk in boldly, and sit at the back.
Arrive late, try to sneak in, but have to walk up the aisle to sit at the front.
and
Expect to enjoy the coffee afterwards…
My husband rarely goes to church now, but used to go regularly. He came to something, and a lady walked up to him and was pleasant and friendly and asked him all about his recent heart surgery and saying how well he looked. Husband smiled and made the appropriate replies, not wishing to suggest that perhaps the lady thought he was someone else entirely since he hadnt had heart surgery and wasnt called John.
going back to church always reminds me of when someone I know went back to the church that they were organist at for many years, only to be asked by one of the clergy team (who had employed him and interviewed him!), was he new and was this his first time at the church?
I returned to a fundamentalist church for a visit more than two years after I’d last been there and discovered that they were still doing the series on Romans and were only half way through the book
Many people make up excuses about why they have not been t
church. I ran into a friend from church who had’t been there for
about a year and the first thing she did was give me a long list of
reasons she had not been in church. Every thing from getting a new
dog to her kids playing ball on sundays to complaining about the
traffic. She talked for ten minutes before I could say that I was
happy to see her.
wearing a disguise so no one recognises you
We asked where we should sit. “Anywhere you like!” So we sat at the back.
Someone came and said,”This row is for the wardens.” We moved to another seat.
Someone came and said, “This pew has a crack along it and won’t be comfortable for long.”
We felt like going home, but we stayed. We were long-time attenders at other churches, but we wondered if someone trying out church for the first time would have had the stamina to stay after that welcome!
I would love to see Alison`s suggestions (17) set to
music!
Some real ones from someone that goes a little infrequently:
1. The songs have changed. Moreover, there are songs with names just like the one you know, but turn out to be a new one from Hillsong et ilk.
2. You always turn up on Giving Sunday, PCC Vision Announcement Sunday, or The Church Has Gone Off On A Weekend Sunday.
3. People ask if you’re new, even though you’ve been ‘going’ for years.
4. You ask about home groups and are informed that they’ve stopped for the summer, or are about to, or about to be reshuffled, So Please Ask Again In A Few Weeks.
5. The welcomers give you really warm but nearly vacant smiles – they’re waiting for the baptism party but you don’t look dressed for it.
6. Going back to a recently-previous church, 5 people come to chat very warmly, promising to meet up, email, invite you to things that don’t transpire.
7. The vicar asks, with more than mild curiousity, why you decided to leave.
8. People assume you’ve been going somewhere else, even though all you’ve been doing is staying at home.
A very big thank you for all of these. The cartoon has been done and sent and contains significant numbers of the ideas here. You’ve given me one or two ideas that can be used elsewhere too, so thank you.
