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Another post in my ‘ideas appeal’ series.
Today’s subject: What should you take to church? Are there different things you should take at different times of year and in the different liturgical seasons? All comments will be appreciated: sensible or absurd, mundane or creative.
Thanks in advance for any replies.
This is a single Cartoon Blog entry, posted by Dave
on Sunday, February 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm.
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gloves, umbrellas to be left behind in church porch! Things to keep children occupied during dull sermon.
50p – for collection because
either – that’s all you had after a saturday night out
or that’s all you think the service was worth – why can’t churches take debit and credit cards?
warm scarf for draughty church
a smile in your pocket for wearing at the peace
money for cup of coffee / to spend at traidcraft stall
This morning I took to the Eucharist
sermon
intercessions
thoughts of many people about whom I’m concerned
30 cut out paper hands (each representing the willingness of one of the OpenHouse congregation to Love Life Live Lent)
Glue (to afix said hands to a large tree)
Diary
Paper clips (to restrain errant microphone lead)
Phone (used to call home to ask for those things I had forgotten)
List of dates for 1st Communion group
List of members ditto
Spare LLLL booklets, in case anyone had missed them
Mixed feelings as the countdown to departure accelerates
Small wooden bear to divert sad children
Optimism (justified) that the service would be a positive experience
Unanswered questions re legal stuff to be sorted by vicar
This is absurd… at our church we celebrate Tabernacles instead of having a harvest festival and are told to bring citrus fruit to wave and a branch of some sort. Always quite puzzling for the poor new students who have inevitably just arrived having moved away from home for the first time and probably never having been to our church before!
a suspension of judgment of what others are wearing, who is sinning and how and a humility about one’s own righteousness as opposed to the sinfulness of others.
Preachy? perhaps, but you did ask for absurd and mundan).
bad cat! the word should be “mundane” not “mundan”.
Sorry!
Cough sweets, liturgically coloured:
Blackcurrant flavour for Lent or Advent;
Lime flavour for Ordinary Time;
Strawberry flavour for Pentecost, Holy Week, or commemoration of martyrs;
Honey & Menthol for major festivals.
Bottle of Water
Cough drops
Klennex
Notepad and pen (for all those announcements)
If you’re very pious, a bible, your personal hymnal and service book, notepaper and pads (used for fervent notetaking and question writing, much to the preacher’s alarm after the service).
If you’re not at all pious, and there under duress, an MP3 player. notepaper and pens (used for doodling).
A Choir lady I once sang with reckoned the perfect sermon was a polomint long. I crunch polos, so we changed this to Rhubarb and Custard sweets. And, if you sing in a choir, then Victory Vs are good too.
If you don’t want to anyone to sit near you in your pew, a Very Bulky Coat, to be put on the seat next to you. Some books on the other side, and you’ve got your own exclusion zone.
A fire extinguisher at Pentecost, just in case.
A coat to strategically place on the pew next to you if someone you don’t like tries to sit beside you.
A friend.
Your Christian clothes, including WWJD bracelet, cross necklace, fairtrade christian t-shirt, or shirt and dogcollar.
A Bible may be useful, but you must make sure what version the Church you are going to uses. If you want to seem extra keen you could always take a hymn book. Again, it is wise to check out the version used, especially if you are involved in leading the service.
A pen for doodling on the notice sheet. Oh yes, and numbers for scoring the sermon and/or liturgical dance out of ten.
well this morning the things I had to remember to take to church were my sermon and a bottle of milk as I was preaching and doing the coffee!
If you’re the covert Mystery Worshipper, you need to remember a timing device (tricky to turn your phone on during the service to work out how long the sermon is), a “you’ve been mystery worshipped” slip and some pen and paper (unless you can remember sermons after the service).
Definitely one’s own BCP, or whatever book one’s church might use. With a personal BCP one can watch for mistakes, cluck disapprovingly when nobody else stands up during a baptism, etc. It also has the advantage that if one’s parish is using Common Worship or the Book of Alternative Services or the 1979 ECUSA BCP, one can bring one’s 1662 BCP and loudly reply using the “right” words. I’ve actually seen this done. “AND WITH THY SPIRIT!”
Cough candies, to be slowly unwrapped and (it would seem) rewrapped during the course of the sermon, silent prayer, communion, whatever.
A medium Tim Horton’s coffee, double double (I don’t know a British equivalent…perhaps tea as a category of beverage comes close to Canadians’ obsession with this particular chain) to be enjoyed throughout the liturgy…with no attempt made to hide it. It is also essential that the cup be left on the pew after the Eucharist.
Original receipt from 1926 proving that this is, indeed, MY pew.
For clergy – one’s own chasuble and stole, because the ones at the church are either a) ugly, b) smelly, c) falling apart, d) all of the above.
For our Presbyterian friends – a communion token, just in case they start checking again.
A book, walkman, travel Scrabble game, knitting…anything to keep one occupied until coffee hour.
I recommend a train set, to play with during the ‘boring’ bits…
The only problem I have with it is DS with his loud “choo choos” during the quiet bits!
Today I took a P. D. James novel with me. And a Bible. And my sermon notes, and all the other paraphernalia.
I took a purple stole, a stone – which was connected with my sermon – my half-moon glasses so I can see both what I’m reading and the congregation, “The Word of the Lord”, the text of my sermon so I could have a last look before I preached it, by notebook with the notices in and my church keys.
A sense of humor. The folks on Saturday night did not have one. We were making an exceptionally large batch of spaghetti sauce in the parish kitchen (24 onions alone!) for the Rescue Mission and I said that the pot in which it was cooked was “big enough for a small missionary.” No one laughed.
Last week I took 100 fairly large stones which I had liberated from near my daughters school. I had some hare-brsined idea about using them for the confession as a symbol of what we take and leave at the foot of the cross. It mostly worked, at least everyone was very kind about it. This of course maybe because I’m the fairly new curate, so they’re humouring me.
mix of sane and insane suggestions:
Stuff to help run the kids group
Biscuits to help with above kids
Biscuits (to go with coffee)
Biscuits (supplies to get you through the sermon)
Hang over pills of some sort
Water (see above)
Sunglasses (so you dont have to make eye contact with other people when saying the grace)
water proof watch (in case of accidental baptism)
A jumper (to cover up the beer related t shirt)
Emergency Escape Kit
Things I brought today:
various altar supplies for our rental location
liturgy booklets
salad to share at community meal
notes for sermon
signs for rental location
optimism for our new community
anxiety for our new community
kids and wife
scarf, gloves and coat as it was 6 degrees Fahrenheit
If you’re in the choir, you’ll need a backpack to contain the following: hymnal, prayer book, choir folder, book containing today’s anthem, book containing today’s motet, book containing service music (unless you’ve already memorized it), pencil for marking your music, pen and paper for either doodling or taking notes during the sermon, bottle of water, bag of cough drops or tin of Altoids according to taste, travel pack of Kleenex, extra water in case the thurifer misjudges another swing, and a king-sized bottle of ibuprofen to deal with the backache you’ll get from carrying all this around. Those who are into technological doo-dads will need a special pocket in their backpack for their PDA and a spare charging cable.
Things I actually take, or have taken, to church (at various times of the year – differs weekly):
My wife – the children’s and youth worker (along with various bits that also may follow)
A bag of sand (took yesterday)
Candles
Stones
Newspapers and magazines
Bible(s)
Flowers
Acoustic guitars
Electric guitars
Guitar amplifiers
Guitar effects pedals
Song / music books
Spare guitar strings
Various cables
Soldering iron
Headphones
iPod
Laptop computer
Sun cream (particularly useful for after church picnics)
Christian Quiche (for bring and share lunch / picnic)
Knife and fork
Football
Frisbee (Official size and weight etc) – it turns purple in the sun
Wooden cross (various sizes)
Poppy
Chocolate
Bread
Wine
Lots more…but I need to do some work now!
An empty bladder, cos even after 10 years discussion there ain’t no “facilities” yet.
I take a cucumber sandwich.
Mints
A hidden handshake buzzer, for livening up The Peace
A chicken
Mission Praise in French, to confuse the row in front
A hip flask
A not so hip flask. More of a thermos, really
Sticky message notes, for sticky messages
A sign reading “Do not disturb, I am being worked on by the Holy Spirit”
A roll of labels reading “I’m new – please talk to me” and “I’m new but would like to remain anonymous” (distribute according to preference)
A Bible with room for notes and doodles
I have taken at least 3 of the above to a service, and would like to take the rest at some stage.
Things I took to church yesterday:
Bike
Rucksack
Cycle Helmet
Fluorescent yellow band things to go around my trousers which flash red LEDs
Church keys
Things I should’ve taken!
The code to the door which is just inside the one which I opened with the keys
A note of which bank we actually bank with, so I could deliver the collection to the right one!
The door rota I had written which starts next week
no one takes a Bible to church anymore. i wonder (he says in a Godly Play kind of way) why that is!?
Diary (for planning social life)
Money (for fund-raising cookies occasionally but more usually for the post-church pub-trip)
Bike lights (depending on the weather, and assuming that I came on my bike)
a) Fire Extinguisher
or
b) Flame thrower
When I’m not on duty: wallet, keys, cash, diary, family.
When I’m on duty: all of the above plus
Bible
sermon/service notes
Common Worship black book (tells me which colour stole to wear)
Stole (of the right colour)
Stole of a different colour, in case the hangings in church haven’t been changed
Great big white dress for vicars.
When I’m on duty and it’s ‘cafe service week’:
all of the above plus a large storage tub containing balloons, playdough, candles, matches, pens of various sizes and colours, prayer cards, music CD’s, scissors, post-its, blu-tac, stapler, paper chains, a cross, a small model of Durers ‘praying hands’, laptop, coffee for the percolator, leftovers from last months service, a bag of hula hoops (they’ll come in handy one day) and a Simpsons DVD
An electrical coin sorter – a gift for those who count the collection
My purple litugical gear (for the communion services)
A preaching scarf for the non-eucharistic services
Two envelopes of money for the Treasurer
Letters for parish visitors
Diocesan monthly magazines for 4 churches
Sermons etc
150 notice sheets (for those coming to church)
‘Emergency prayers’ – an unexpected death had affected many
More stuff
It’s always rather good when people take a friend who’s never been before.
A Jerusalem Bible and a copy of the Message so you can always find something contentious in the sermon.
Mobile phone with games on it and silent mode.
List of things you have left in church over previous month.
List of people who have offended somebody and aren’t talking to someone else (yes it often involves me! I cause rather tahn take offence)
memory stick..it has been used a suprising number of times!
Placade saying I don’t know anything about computers, lighting systems, boilers etc.
Torch for asking for a song to be sung again.
6 Torches to actually ask for a song more times than thean the worship group actually played it.
Ear plugs… see above
Dark glasses so you can pretend to be a secret worshipper and get special attention
A dog collar so that when the priest/minister collapses you can rush to the front and land the service safely to rapturous applause
Scissors for making minor (whoops they moved) adjustments to the person in front’s hair.
Fluffy toy pandas and silver piggy banks.
(To get adopted for the minimum of £3 and £2.50 respectively to raise funds for persecuted Christians overseas).
They tend to leave the church with other people 
Phil, I prefer to listen to the bible being read to me.
Yesterday I took sermon1 to church1, sermon2 to church2. Fortunately I got the sermons the right way round!
tickets for a concert for a worthy cause
sponsorship form for a walk/ride/knit/keep silence….
PCC minutes to distribute
sunday school rotas
intercessors’ rotas
diocesan newsletter to read and pass on
invitation to chld’s birthday party
posters for the summer fair
……
sorry, no time to talk to anyone visiting today – got to get these distributed.
aand for anyone coming with children:
nappies/potty/spare socks and pants (depending on age)
water/raisins/biscuits/ banana
baby wipes
a car that fits the book ledge behind the pews
a doll with various items of clothing
about 40 felt tips
paper
weapon of some sort (toy, of course)
a huge amount of self confidence to withstand LOOKS
tickets for a concert for a worthy cause
sponsorship form for a walk/ride/knit/keep silence….
PCC minutes to distribute
sunday school rotas
intercessors’ rotas
diocesan newsletter to read and pass on
invitation to chld’s birthday party
posters for the summer fair
……
sorry, no time to talk to anyone visiting today – got to get these distributed.
and for anyone coming with children:
nappies/potty/spare socks and pants (depending on age)
water/raisins/biscuits/ banana
baby wipes
a car that fits the book ledge behind the pews
a doll with various items of clothing
about 40 felt tips
paper
weapon of some sort (toy, of course)
a huge amount of self confidence to withstand LOOKS
Oh, and if you’re not organised enough to do giving by Direct Debit, or have some complicated method for giving which Direct Debit is too regimented for, you might take a cheque.
Someone suggested taking Christian Clothes. Could/should you also/instead take non-Christian clothes as a way of making some cunning statement about God looking at the inside not the outside?
Hmmm.
Book – 101 things to do during a boring sermon, or whatever it’s called
Book – Dave Walker guide to church, in case there is a situation I’m not familiar with.
- ipod (for the walk there/back)
- plasters in case shoes rub
- bible
- notebook and pen to make notes so that don’t fall asleep
- tissues in case there are tears or colds
- hole-less socks incase I take my shoes off
- cash incase we go for food/drink afterwards
- mobile (to check with so-and-so about why they aren’t there)
- diary to check who can be fitted in for coffee when
- ‘onya bag’ in case I decide to food shop on the way home
- keys in case I get back late
- space in bag for the DVD and book which I need to return to church (space has been there for a year in the case of the book)
Worryingly with the exception of the last one the list is nearly identical to what I take to uni…
Occasionally some abnormal drumsticks (big thick ones for evening praise when the rector has put “(fast and loud)” on the music group’s order of service… and quiet ones for Holy Communion when it’s all Quiet and Reflective.
Glass of water to aid swallowing for all the things it wouldn’t seem constructive to comment on.
Bicycle Repair Man’s toolkit for fettling that person’s bike, as I keep promising to.
I think Simon (#33) wins the prize.
Knitting
BCP1979/NRSV w/Apocrypha
Laptop (w/ Bible study software occasionally used during Sunday School)
Laptop power cord
occasionally real 1/2 & 1/2 for Coffee Hour
almost weekly 24oz coffee mixed with hot cocoa from 7-11 up the street
cell phone set to silent mode
