The not- quite- daily internet column of Dave Walker. Dave writes and draws for the Church Times and was the 'Cartoonist in Residence' for the 2008 Lambeth Conference. (
Really quick question: What do the clergy carry around with them at all times to help them do their job? Or, what would they ideally be able to carry around with them at all times?
Thanks again - this is a real help to me.
January 8th, 2008
Things clergy carry
This is a single Cartoon Blog entry, posted by Dave
on Tuesday, January 8th, 2008 at 8:05 am.
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50 Responses to “Things clergy carry”
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Richard says:
Lectionary almanac
January 8th, 2008 at 8:11 am -
Graham Doel says:
Very practical, but I never leave home without my phone. Nearly always leave home without my wallet (can’t give money away if you have none). Church keys are nearly always in my pocket (I look like a jailer), Pencil, Calling Cards, Often a notebook. Rarely am I too far away from my ipod which is also used as a PDA.
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Jon Howard says:
For most clergy I know, it seems to be some new techno-gizmo the role of which (when it comes to the day job) you’re not quite sure of
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joe says:
Crook
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Phill says:
A miniature trumpet, in case they have to win favour with a difficult child [Apologies to Blackadder]
Maybe they could carry around a book of common prayer, in case an impromptu wedding breaks out?
Failing that, the best I can come up with that might actually be useful is a diary, which of course is not unique to the clergy!
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maggi says:
humorous answers come to mind, but here’s the real answer: in my car’s glove box I have a miniature communion kit (in a box about the size of a large paperback book). This has nearly always been used at death beds. In my bag I usually have a current lectionary, a paper-and-pen diary, a copy of the CHapel diary and a mobile phone. I don’t carry a Bible around at all times - it’s one of those things you can still find on a lot of other people’s shelves, and big chunks of it I can quote from memory.
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Phelim McIntyre says:
My rector never leaves home without his mobile phone. Mainly because he never knows when one of his children will call wanting a lift from the pub. As they are both at university this is not always that convenient. He still uses a filofax (remember those) which is carried in his brief case. As for church keys, when he is in his cassok he sounds like an old fashioned house keeper.
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Jason says:
Pak-a-robes (like a pak-a-mac but robes instead of waterproof).
Two plastic carrier bags to put over socks and sandles should it rain.
A bible!!!???
Collapsable altar (handy for impromtu services should the Spirit lead..).
Scissors to cut up dog collar!
In my case I can’t go anywhere without my iPhone (which I know how to use and what it’s purpose is - See Jon’s comment above).
Purple stole (for last rites)!
Tracts/copy of the ‘Sinners Prayer’/copy of Why Jesus? to enable someone to ‘get saved’ whilst going round Tesco.…that’s all I can thinnk of for now…
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Fr. S says:
Flak Jacket (metaphorical and literal)
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Chris Clark says:
Evangelical/ Technically “Hip” A Mpeg4 player with the complete Alpha videos on it.
Evangelical/ Technophobe Tatty Filofax and crumbled copy of “Journey into Life”
Catholic/ Technically “Hip” Mpeg 4 player with the complete virtual Rosary
Catholic/ Technophobe Tatty Filofax and crumbled copy of common worship.
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Rev Ruth says:
Calling cards that say ‘I called but you were out’ because we know that the housebound are NEVER in. They are always at the hairdresser or chiropodist or physiotherapist or day centre or wherever. And at those places they are complaining that the priest never comes to visit.
Oil for anointing the dead. Once I got called out to do this and my oil stock was in church and I didn’t have time to go get it. The only oil I had in the house was in the Bombay Gin miniature bottle that I took to the cathedral on Maundy Thursday to collect it, that being the only container I could find at the time. Mind you that person would have appreciated being anointed with oil from a gin bottle.
Street map and torch to find those elusive houses in the dark with no house numbers.
Large bunch of church keys including keys to the Boiler House which nobody else will go in to because its dark and creepy.
Throat sweeties for sooking before/after loud public speaking or when the microphone has died.
Diary + filofax + Palm thingy. (Fear of missing appointment)
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Liz Rose says:
In the case of older clergy (I’m thinking about my Dad!) definitely his glasses !
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rosalind says:
packet of tissues (to mop up tears of joy, grief and spilled coffee…and to deal with colds resulting from chilly churches and hot hospitals)
diary - but forget to look at it
local A-Z in case I can’t find my way home
CHOCOLATE
bits of paper with important names and addresses/phonenumbers/e-mails on them but which all get lost at the crucial time
lots of bits of paper but never the one I need -
revjoc says:
Piece of plain paper - in case I’ve forgotten my dog collar.
Street map. And national map (as I live near a motorway and do not have a very good sense of direction. Or indeed map reading skills. I can end up near Scotland or in London within 200 miles by taking the wrong turning down a slip road)
Bunch of keys - with all the church keys on it (I have keys to 4 churches and the internal doors therein)
Lip gloss/vaseline
I have a candle and matches in the boot of my car (alongside screen wash and spare tyre - but they are harder to fit into a sermon - although there’s a thought…) in case I am asked to lead prayers on the spur of the moment.
Alcohol hand wash. But don’t tell anyone because I am a Methodist.
iPod
Calling cards - so that I know where I live when I get lost
Pocket NIV bible
Spare hair bobbles
AA batteries (we always need those)
Battery for radio mic - which always runs out at the good bit in the sermon otherwise.
Hearing aid battery - not for me, but because it is useful in old people’s homes to follow the whistling!
I am sure that there are more amusing comments to make, but for now I am trying to pack my handbag…
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Sarah B says:
not always a Bible in my experience… er I’d say they might carry round a blackberry but not know exactly what that was.
I think there are definitely different schools of what clergy carry.
Of two I know well one carries a series of colour coded box files with unknown contents and hte other carries a back pack. I think both carry dog chews though!!
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Dave Faulkner says:
VistaPrint business cards. Pens. Scrap paper. PDA. Mobile phone in case wife needs to ring urgently. Prescription drugs for my sinus problem. Reading glasses now I’m at the wrong end of my forties. Car keys. House keys. Definitely not church keys - someone else can deal with that. Paper tissues. Wallet. Comb. My wife says my trouser pockets make me look like a jockey. Wonder why.
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David Keen says:
Boringly: diary, pen, house keys (locked ourselves out on 1st Jan - good way to get to know the neighbours!!), wallet, dog collar, contact cards.
In my Dave Cameron moments: bike, clips, helmet and backpack.
And I always remember something I’ve forgotten exactly 5 seconds after leaving the house, and dash back in for it. So far I’ve only forgotten once to bring my sermon notes on a Sunday morning. Once was enough!
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Chris says:
Golf clubs are always in the boot of the car
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Ruth E says:
My boss always has lots of his little “business card” type things that say “I called to visit today, sorry I missed you.”
As well as his diary and a tiny pencil.
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Uli says:
Palm - with Bible and lectionary.
Hymnbook
Car keys
….
everything else is in the car: cassock, liturgical books, pens, paper, cardboard, scissors, glue, candles, cross, tracts, more hymnbooks, and other things….
But usually not the thing you need when you are furthest away from the vicarage. -
Lesley G says:
My friend always has his mobile, filofax and quite probably has started to take his DS Lite with him to improve his brain.
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Canon G says:
I carry a smartphone. It has a PDA and of course accesses to the internet. Thus I can go to the “lectionary page,” any number of Bible versions, get my email (which it does automatically though a telephone link or wifi) and most especially if things are going poorly and it looks like western civilization is sliding into the barrow pit, I can access something like say,the Cartoon Blog and instantly feel better.
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Simon says:
grudges?
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James, a Vicar says:
Well what’s in my briefcase/bag? (Easier to look than remember) There is:
- Book with maps, addresses, phone numbers, chancellors regulations (4 ‘open’ churchyards), forms and fees, electoral rolls
- Digital camera
- Church keys (4 churches and safes)
- Car, bike and Vicarage keys
- Mini tripod
- Bible
- Book of Common Prayer
- Lighter
- Diary (with pens, memory stick, spare dog collars) and calling cards
- Mobile phone and charger
- Spare battery for microphones
- Pain killers
- Book of prayers for the ’sick’
- Hospital parking permitWhat more could I need? Oh yes, wallet - left at home by mistake!
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Raewynne says:
Phone
Pyx with 2 pre-intincted wafers
Sometimes oil stock
Book
Knitting
Food/money for McDonalds
Coffee cup
Maps
All the other junk in my car - tissues, fast food wrappers, another couple of books, pens, some coffee stained business cards, loose change, three things that needed mailing two weeks ago, expired coupon for free coffee, etc…(g) -
Abnstranger says:
Well, our Rector usually sequesters herself in the local coffee shop surrounded by all manner of electronic ‘toys’: Laptop, iPod, Blackberry, phone..you name it. She puts them in a semi-circle the way a carnivore arranges bones! It’s sad, because it seems as though the very technology that was originally intended to facilitate communication is being used to keep said communication (and, reality) at arms length! An electronic buffer zone!
Here in the States, and at least in our diocese, the Episcopal church is dying of a thousand cuts. It’s like watching a suicide in slow motion! Very painful, but help not wanted. I see the retreat of clergy into an electronic world as a retreat from exactly what people need and want in their clergy. Forget the stellar sermons, the single cause obsessions, the politically correct babbling…people want some one to be genuinely involved in their day-to-day lives and to really evidence care and concern for them. I pray that our current situation will change.
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Aaron Orear says:
Either on my person or in my car…
Gossip, and loads of it.
The last bulletin or announcements, to give to people who couldn’t be there on Sunday (see also gossip).
A BCP, Bible, a reversible purple/white stole, oil stocks (one never knows).
Sorry I Missed You cards (I always have them, unless someone is actually out…then I’ve forgotten them and have to scribble a note on the back of a bank-machine receipt).
Snow shovel (I’m in Canada).
Business cards (which I always forget I have and of which I still have hundreds).
Rosary - two of these, as I can’t decide which one I like best.
A small, blue blob of glass that I picked up off the floor under the quire stalls at Westminster Abbey.
Keys (including the key to the sound cabinet, which I have and the rector does not…to his deep consternation, I’m sure).
A tattered copy of the last diocesan newspaper, which I have yet to read although the latest copy has already arrived. One of these days I’ll have some free time that I want to kill by reading about more church business.
An even more tattered copy of the parish roll, now several updates out of date but containing hand-written notes too valuable to lose.
The items in my car get less use, as it sits parked most days. Things left there are usually needed only when I pay a visit on foot or bike.
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Sue says:
A diary (invariably double, and possibly treble-booked) and business cards.
Actually I just carry my ibook around all the time, which even has a bible on it somewhere.Oh yes, and about a billion keys. (at one point I was carrying the keys to 5 different churches round as well as my house keys)…
…oh and tissues…
and I’d definitely second the chocolate…
…and then there are the poop scoops which I don’t mean to carry round but often forget to empty out of my pocket between dog walking and doing vicary-stuff. -
Mary says:
Any combination of the following:
a) a space in their pockets where their glasses should be
b)a space in theor pockets where their Parson’s Pocket Book should be (did you know this year’s doesn’t include the date of Ash Wednesday….?)
c)a space in their pocket where the notebook should be:
d) a slightly caked space where the chocolate was… -
jody says:
Chris
please say that should be ‘crumpled’ not ‘crumbled’
of course crumbled copies of common worship might have their place…….
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Andy says:
Emergency baptism kit?
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John Davies says:
The Parsons Pocket Book; Everton biro.
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Julie+ says:
In my purse (in addition to the usual girl stuff): Episcopal calendar/diary, diocesan ID, prayer beads, thumb drive, parish directory, Purel (antiseptic gel), small notebook, business cards, 2 cell phones (work and personal).
In my pastoral visits bag: portable communion kit, oil for anointing, prayer books, the latest church bulletin, reversible purple/white stole, more Purel, another notebook, more business cards.
In my car: another BCP, supplies for games with kids, empty plastic bags, first aid kit.
Need I say, I’m compulsively over-prepared?
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Peter Kirk says:
Never a diary, as this gives a good excuse for not being able to make any appointments to distract from sermon preparation, TV viewing etc.
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maggi says:
confidences and other people’s secrets…
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Matt Wardman says:
Biretta and bicycle pump.
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Mark Bennet says:
A compass, a whistle (and until recently a penknife and a torch).
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Stuart says:
I think there might be a formula for this, though not being a mathematition, (I can’t even spell it, it’s given me a nasty red line under it,) I might make a mistake or two…
CP=XYZ-V
where CP= Contents of pockets,
XYZ=those all important things which we all seem to carry, mostly listed above
V=that very important Item which you need and at any given moment you need it, it will be absent from your pocket, bag, rucksack, portable office* delete as appropriate -
St says:
Clothes
Wit
Excuses
Shopping list
Resolve
Need for a drink
Church Book and Desk Diary
Smile -
Russ says:
I am not a clergy person, but would like to think that my vicar carries …
a small New Testament
a hip flask
a less trendy flask filled with coffee
a whoopee cushion
a rubber chicken
a pack of cards
a diary
a small tobacco tin filled with buttons
an LED torch
some mintsHope this helps. [Note to self: send list to vicar]
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Richard Greatrex says:
I tend to always wear a waistcoat which always contains an ‘old’ ipod shuffle, but quite regularly also includes several pencils, bus tickets, notes and phone numbers with no names, a paperclip or two, a fuse, a screw, a shopping list. Sometimes, to my delight, it contains money. These days the waistcoat does not quite contain my stomach.
In my rucksack is my ‘Church Book and Desk Diary’ (now ‘the Canterbury Church Book and Desk Diary’) stuffed full of useful bits if paper - service rotas, parish contact details, etc. It always contains both umbrella and pac-a-mac (clerical black), old carrier bags and a book, which hopefully, one day, I’ll have time to read. It sometimes also contains thurible, vestments, sick communion set and the parish keys. On those days I find several acolytes are a useful resource to help me carry it.
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Phelim McIntyre says:
One of my clergy friends has admitted to carrying a “sonic screwdriver” in his pockets. Are his church wardens cybermen? Is the church cleaner a dalek?
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Simon says:
A familiar list of the practical stuff jammed into bulging pockets - keys (amazingly my two church buildings have just one master key for all doors), led torch (for the dark corridor), thumb drive (for “can I have a copy of your presentation?” moments. Pocket PC (with calendar, contacts, email, bible, street map), wallet, receipts, cheques for expenses that should have been cashed months ago, tissues, wallet, mini-pen, business cards, mobile phone set with profiles for “church” (divert all calls), “meeting” (silent) and “normal”, not quite enough change for the car park.
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jody says:
a pop up tent, in case they meet any unwanted parishioner attention and need it to hide in.
not that i would ever do that….
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Chris says:
An eee pc
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Sandra Cook says:
The priest I work for carries a sense of humour and a pipe!
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Phelim McIntyre says:
Sandra, your priest friend is almost unique. Not for the pipe but for having a sense of humour!!!! (No offence to the clergy on this site but so many vicars I have met seem to have had their sense of humour surgically removed at ordination, either that or beaten out of them at theological college.)
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John says:
I carry my Palm which has my diary, Common Worship lectionary, Morning and Evening Prayer, NRSV Bible, Prayers for the dying, a program to work out the date of Easter until the Second Coming, a spreadsheet to record mileage etc etc and space in the cover to put my visiting cards.
I don’t usually carry a mobile phone. I don’t see the point - if I’m working away from the Vicarage I don’t want to be bothered by phone calls. I deal with the messages and emails when I get back to my desk.
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Brad says:
I carry my Palm (which is a phone,camera, daily organizer, ‘meaningless notes’ keeper, and Mp3 player). The standard empty wallet, and my ring of a thousand keys (which I never use 1/4 of).
Also I have strategically placed Bibles and back up Bibles in my office, home office, 2 cars, classroom, and backpack. All of which are never to be found when you actually need them.
Then there is a backpack, which has things that I could not begin to list without conducting a full inventory, hopefully my laptop is still there…
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Dave says:
Thanks all - I’ve now printed off a final version of this for my cartoon use. You’re welcome to continue making suggestions for your own enjoyment of course.