Excuses for absenteeism

50 Responses to “Excuses for absenteeism”

1. Rachel says:
   

   ‘I had to go to tesco’ (perhaps with a vicar in a dog collar pushing a trolley)?

   ‘all my clothes were in the washing machine’

   January 4th, 2008 at 12:21 am
2. Cosmo says:
   

   Falling behind on your ‘get a lot done’ cartoon season, sounds a bit like my falling behind on daily scripture readings – and it’s not even a week into 2008. (Why don’t daily reading books start around the 11th/12th January?)

   Anyway, wouldn’t a couple of hours on a Sunday morning be the perfect time to excuse yourself from church and catch up on reading the Bible or drawing religiously inspired cartoons – or both!?

   January 4th, 2008 at 1:23 am
3. ash says:
   

   ‘I was too tired from midnight mass to make the 8am Communion’

   ‘I was too hung over from the mulled wine after the midnight mass…’

   ‘I was on my way here from our sister church, where I was leading communion before this, and I got pulled over for drink driving…’ (allegedly, British law exempts vicars from drunk driving charges on the sabbath, because, of course, they have to drain the cup after the service, and if they run more than one church….)

   ‘I didn’t miss church at all, I simply held onto the bell rope too long and have only just regained consciousness’

   January 4th, 2008 at 2:06 am
4. Aaron says:
   

   Can’t go out on Sunday…it’s a holy day.

   January 4th, 2008 at 2:08 am
5. Jeremy says:
   

   I think I’m going to archive all my goals too, sounds realistic and achievable

   January 4th, 2008 at 2:09 am
6. Graham Doel says:
   

   There’s the old joke about a mother calling upstairs … It ends with “but son your the minister” there’sore truth in that joke than can ever be truely admitted too!

   I’d rather watch paint dry

   The vicar is preaching about the end times (again).

   Sunday morning is apparently our national sex morning (not that I’d know because I’m always at church)

   January 4th, 2008 at 6:41 am
7. Chris says:
   

   I didn’t attend church this week…

   …because you decided to broadcast the service on the radio, so I stayed in bed to listen to it.

   …because I listen to the podcast.

   Or some other similar suggestions.

   January 4th, 2008 at 8:14 am
8. Dave Warnock says:
   

   I have family coming and need to cook them Sunday lunch.

   I went last year.

   My dad is preaching.

   There is nobody else my age.

   People will ask me why I wasn’t there last week.

   I have to wait for the chickens to go to bed

   I may get to bed very late after a party (again)

   All these equal to the implied “it is just not very important to me so I won’t make it a priority”

   January 4th, 2008 at 8:18 am
9. Pax Vobiscum says:
   

   1. I’m writing a thesis on the contemporary, post-post modernist soteriological language of the ‘Fimbles’ in contrast to the retro Liberation theology of ‘Roobarb and Custard Too’. I can’t miss an episode. My video’s broken.

   2. I’m in bed with the vicar’s daughter/son/wife/husband/all of the above (delete as appropriate) and can’t get up until the vicar has left the house.

   3. I need to re-inflate my bouncy castle.

   4. I’m at home shopping on the web. What, the church has got wi-fi? OK, I’ll come.

   5. I’m trying to think of an amusing reason why I can’t come to church and I’ve got a long way to go.

   6. I am the church – you should all be coming to me.

   January 4th, 2008 at 8:26 am
10. Mary says:
    

    I was trying out a neighbouring church

    My daughter had dance practice

    I forgot the clocks had gone forward

    I didn’t have anything to wear/couldn’t find a pair of matching socks

    I got the time of the service wrong

    I couldn’t find the church

    I was kept talking by the JWs on the doorstep

    January 4th, 2008 at 8:38 am
11. Sarah B says:
    

    I have to defrost the freezer
    It’s the only day I get a lie in
    (and my all time favourite)
    for a healing service…
    I wasn’t feeling very well..

    January 4th, 2008 at 8:39 am
12. rob says:
    

    1. I have just got married
    2. I have just bought a field and have to go and see it.
    3. I have just bought a team of oxen and need to try them out.
    - sorry, these excuses seem to have been used before. How about:
    4. No thanks. We’re all Church of England.

    January 4th, 2008 at 8:51 am
13. Phill says:
    

    Hmmm, excuses… let me think of a few. I’m not very good at them, but I’ll give it a shot:

    I would have come to Church, but…

    … I reached a level on Tetris I’ve never got to before, so I had to stay and finish it!

    … the buses / trains / taxi were late

    … my lift didn’t turn up

    … I’m still hungover from last week’s communion wine

    January 4th, 2008 at 8:51 am
14. Youthblog says:
    

    I went to five services in four days at Christmas, I am therefore taking time off in lieu

    January 4th, 2008 at 9:05 am
15. St says:
    

    These are all genuine Dave although the first one might have been a fib. I’ve included the dull ones too since they are more likely to get into your cartoons than the interestiong ones:

    My mother is coming so I have to clean under the floorboards.

    I was taking my kids back to university.

    I don’t like crowds.

    I forgot it was Sunday until too late.

    There’s a bring and share lunch after the servcice so I had to stay in and cook.

    It was an all-age service.

    It was a bit wet.

    It looked like it might be a bit wet.

    My bike wouldn’t start.

    Everyone had a cold last week and I didn’t want to be sneezed on.

    I was on holiday.

    I was visiting someone else.

    My wife didn’t want to come.

    January 4th, 2008 at 9:14 am
16. hensteeth says:
    

    I admire your work, so I gave it a go.

    I couldn’t stand to hear it told by chapter and verse again.

    But I thought that “the good news” referred to my tickets to the big game.

    Didn’t you tell me God was with me wherever I go? We went shopping.

    Sunday? I must have set my alarm for Monday.

    I decided that nature was my cathedral that day.

    I thought the bells meant it was called off.

    I had an illness that caused my eyelids to mysteriously fuse shut.

    But I already know all the words to the songs.

    I caught a service at St. Absentia’s in town.

    I thought that it was an attend one, one free parish.

    I’m a bit unsure about how much to put in the tip plate.

    You mean you have to keep coming back until you get it right?

    I thought it was ladies day.

    I’m waiting for a sale.

    The reviews weren’t all that good.

    I forgot to make a reservation.

    January 4th, 2008 at 9:21 am
17. Alec Corio says:
    

    My excuses for absenteeism at certain services:

    I couldn’t come to church since I was at the church plant service which runs concurrently, and is a whole 5 minutes walk away.

    I missed one service since I was still preparing my sermon/hymn sheets/powerpoint presentation for the service afterwards.

    I was teaching in Sunday school.

    I was downstairs in the office reading the church times and just drifted off.

    January 4th, 2008 at 10:11 am
18. Neil says:
    

    I just had to go to the garden centre; they were having a sale of goldfish who had reached their sell by date. (with apologies to Victoria wood)

    January 4th, 2008 at 10:15 am
19. revjoc says:
    

    My fridge magnet at home says:

    ‘Sorry I did not make it to church. I was becoming a lesbian and practising witchcraft.’

    January 4th, 2008 at 10:28 am
20. Pax Vobiscum says:
    

    Well, Dave has started something here. There look to be more excuses than church goers. There may be more excuses than there are church non-goers.

    Here’s one that happened to me:

    Me: Sorry you weren’t at church on Sunday.
    Senior Church Person: Well, you were supposed to be preaching.
    Me (grouchily): No, you were.

    Now, how about some excuses for not running a chain of bookshops properly?

    January 4th, 2008 at 10:33 am
21. joe says:
    

    I was hanging a door.

    January 4th, 2008 at 10:50 am
22. Rick says:
    

    But I was at church – you just didn’t see me because I was sitting behind a pillar. (My personal favorite because when I am at church it is usually true)

    or

    I didn’t come because it was a Family Service.

    January 4th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
23. Tractor Girl says:
    

    I’m one of the 60% (approx) who believe but don’t belong

    Churches are for the religious and I’m spiritual

    Staying in is the new going out

    I would go, but you have cancelled the 8 o’clock communion service and I don’t like the modern sort

    January 4th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
24. rosalind says:
    

    I was playing in/taxi-ing to/cheering on under 10s football/rugby/tennis/swimming/gym…….
    I was icing my daughter’s/son’s/ mother’s/ mother-in’law’s birthday cake
    (Midnight mass only) I was in hospital giving birth
    I am taking mission seriously so am taking church out of the building: – Tesco, M&S sale, car-wash……

    January 4th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
25. Liz says:
    

    “Well if you will put Sunday morning, hot on the heels of Saturday night…”

    “I do church…just in a different way from you.”

    “I’ve heard so many sermons about not being a ‘Sunday morning only Christian’, that I’ve decided to redress the balance.”

    January 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
26. tortoise says:
    

    I had a Word from the Lord telling me to stay in bed.
    I thought I’d catch the omnibus edition later.
    I’ve taken a vow of solitude. Please go away.
    Last time I came the churchwarden showed me a red card, so I’m suspended for the next two Sundays.
    I thought the clocks went back today.
    I was deliberately absent in order to test the efficiency of the church’s pastoral care system. Well done.
    My child has now been given a place at the C of E primary school so I no longer need to attend.
    I had to work at the SSG Bookshop (ooh, topical).
    I’m starting a Fresh Expression. It’s called “Empty Church”.

    January 4th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
27. Kirk says:
    

    I often don’t go to church when I’ve got a cold – very elderly congregation, and I worry catching my sniffle might finish some of them off!

    January 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
28. Sheena says:
    

    I couldn’t close the front door and had to wait for someone to come and fix it.

    I don’t like the vicar’s sermons.

    I was too tired after youth group on Saturday evening.

    I was watching a church service on the TV and didn’t notice the time until it was too late to come to church.

    January 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
29. Dave says:
    

    This is brilliant – thanks everyone. Don’t stop though. I’ll probably print off the list at the end of the day and ponder it over the weekend.

    January 4th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
30. joe says:
    

    I’m writing a spiritual diary and need to see how my life changes when I stop attending church.

    January 4th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
31. Jason says:
    

    I didn’t come to church beacuse….

    I hate you all – you’re so petty and small minded!
    I don’t like the person preaching this week.
    I work so hard during the week…
    Nobody bothers to speak to me when I do come!
    I dislike family/all-age/communion/prayer (add or delete as appropriate) services
    The service was too eary/too late/ too long/too short

    January 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
32. Ann says:
    

    I was up all night visiting Second Life Cathedral and fell asleep on my keyboard.

    January 4th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
33. Sam says:
    

    Possibly veering towards unhelpfully random, but one I’ve used recently…

    “I only finished unicycling in circles for 24 hours at 9.30am – I’ll think about 6pm service!”

    I did make it to the 6pm service too.

    January 4th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
34. Mary Sue says:
    

    Actual excuses I have used/will use again.

    - I have to work so’s I can pay my tithe.
    - Was up until the wee hours escorting the Youth Group to an event.
    - Severe concussion.
    - Someone broke into my car and stole my choir robe.
    - When I showed up at the posted service time of 11am, the doors were locked and no cars were in the parking lot.

    January 4th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
35. Fr. S says:
    

    …because now it’s on webcam, I can take communion from under the duvet

    …but I was, I was just sitting in a different seat from my usual one!

    …some poor bastard has to run the creche!

    …but Father, I was the one preaching!

    …Saint where?

    …Sorry, but the Parousia beat me to it!

    …Jesus called me this morning to tell you that he thinks you’re doing fine.

    …lately I’ve begun to think I am God, so I gave myself the day off.

    January 4th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
36. jody says:
    

    I was raptured

    January 4th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
37. Simon says:
    

    Presumably ‘I had a cartoon that desperately needed drawing’ is not an acceptable excuse.

    January 4th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
38. Arti says:
    

    For Newcastle supporters – ” I decided to worship at St James’s this Sunday”.

    January 4th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
39. Farli says:
    

    Some of the following are real:

    The cats were asleep on my hair and I was pinned to the bed, unable to move.

    Spent so much time at theological college learning about Church during the week that I was utterly fed up with the whole business by Sunday.

    I was trying to understand the lectionary so as to arrive prepared for the service.

    My non-Christian friends are all free on Sunday mornings so that is the best time to evangelise them.

    Needed lie-in, so forced to drive in order to arrive in time. Car needed de-icing. No parking spaces left.

    I wanted to catch The Heaven and Earth Show.

    I was preaching elsewhere, honest.

    January 4th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
40. webweaver.pttw says:
    

    Got this from a friend and his wife . . .

    We decided to worship at St. Serta on the Box Springs instead.

    Just thought of this one . . .

    I was up all night reading and commenting on blogs from around the Anglican Communion.

    January 5th, 2008 at 2:31 am
41. David Keen says:
    

    and what they mean…..

    I saw who was down to preach and decided not to go, as their sermons are too long/repetetive/vague/challenging/christian

    It was a family service, and I hate modern music

    It was a choral service, and I hate old music

    It was a service, and I hate people

    It was the Gift Day, and I’m skint/stingy/sick of being asked for money/backslidingI

    It was a nice sunny day so I went to the beach.

    It was a horrible wet day, and I couldn’t be bothered getting wet on the journey from the front door to the car.

    That new couple sit in my pew.

    January 5th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
42. Simon Boswell says:
    

    I usually call their bluff and challenge my interrogator why they weren’t at church themselves. Even if they were they usually start to doubt themselves. It is scary how easy it is to forget where you’ve been even a week later.

    January 6th, 2008 at 12:22 am
43. Russ says:
    

    I didn’t go to church because …

    1 I stopped to read all the Comments on the cartoonchurch blog and lost track of time
    2 I hate everybody and I’d rather read the paper
    3 It’s family service and I don’t have a complete family to bring along
    4 The dog ate my homework
    5 It’s Monday
    6 30 years ago, someone once got my name wrong
    7 I don’t agree with the colour of the kneelers
    8 I realised the kneelers were no longer displayed
    9 There are too many people called Neil
    10 I found ____ in the _____ and so had to call the _____. It’s the ____ time this ____ .

    I somehow doubt any of this will be usable, Dave, but it’s been fun writing it.

    January 6th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
44. ED says:
    

    I didn’t go to church because:

    They wouldn’t come to me either.

    I’m male, and it’s girly.

    I am the church!

    It’s on at 11am, and who’s together by then?

    I went last week.

    Too much life in the fast lane isn’t good for you.

    I was passed the communion loaf first last week, and I ate it all. (Don’t even ask about the wine…)

    January 6th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
45. ED says:
    

    Alternatively, I may have omitted to go to church because I decided to cycle past Jeremy Clarkson’s house and throw rubbish in his hedge…

    January 6th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
46. Dave says:
    

    Thanks again everyone. Just to say – I am currently drawing this picture and so won’t be using any further ideas from this thread. I have used a number – so thanks again.

    Feel free to continue commenting for your own amusement though.

    January 7th, 2008 at 12:06 am
47. Five short posts » The Cartoon Blog by Dave Walker says:
    

    [...] Unicyclist makes the 6pm service I was impressed to read in the comments of the ‘absenteeism’ post that Sam, a reader of this blog, still made it to the 6pm service having finished his successful 24 hour unicycling world record attempt on the Sunday morning. Sorry Sam, I should have linked to your world record attempt when you were doing it back in September, but was overtaken by events. Very belated congratulations. [...]

    January 7th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
48. annie says:
    

    Start to work for SSTG!!
    Would love to come but am being forced to work….

    January 7th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
49. Amy says:
    

    A genuine one from Pilgrims Hatch Baptist Church:
    “Sorry I can’t come to the service this evening, Jesus said he didn’t want me to”

    (The lady who said this is in fact married to a non-christian spaniard named Jesus)

    January 9th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
50. Sam P says:
    

    I know you’ve already done the cartoon, but I heard this one today and had to share it. It’s a genuine excuse (from the UK).

    The lady in question sometimes comes to the Anglican church in town, but often can’t make it because she’s giving her servant a lift to the Catholic church and the times clash!

    February 24th, 2008 at 10:24 pm