Church: the perplexing aspects

34 Responses to “Church: the perplexing aspects”

1. Dave says:
   

   Sample answer:

   I find churchyards perplexing.

   (This is to demonstrate that the ideas don’t have to be funny or make sense)

   June 19th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
2. Tired&Emotional says:
   

   The bit I find most perplexing are:

   1. The maxim of only 3 points per sermon.
   2. Why services must last no more than 60 minutes or people complain
   3. Where Graham Kendrick gets his ideas from. Does he have a big hat with certain words in and he just pulls them out?
   4. Why can’t all the denominations just admit that Baptists (insert your denomination/heresy here) are best and join together
   5. Why do vicars/priests/ministers wear dog collars?
   6. How do you explain the Trinity in 1 sentence?
   7. Why did Father Ted die so young?

   Hope this helps.

   June 19th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
3. Sarah B says:
   

   I find the bizarre variety and abundance of lost property in churches perplexing. Obviously I am pleased at times of heavy precipitation that people regularly leave their brollies behind but I am sometimes amazed that anyone could FORGET they had been carrying a huge golf umbrella.

   Other lost property has included music stands, strange boxes of resin and reeds from orchestras, a myriad of coat hangers after there have been visiting clergy (how did they carry it home?), pencils pieces of string and other oddities from school visits, various items of jeweleery including necklaces, watches, sunglasses, glasses and a single shoe! there must be more!

   June 19th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
4. James says:
   

   The aspects of church I find most perplexing are:
   The use of jargon – it would be much simpler just to refer to ‘thingies’ and whojamaflips’
   The particular need to wear particular things (and particular colours) at particular times
   Why we have to sing ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’ so often (at nearly every Baptism, Wedding or Funeral)
   Why I dislike ‘Away in a Manger’ so much
   Where hassocks go (each hassock has its place in a pew and I don’t know the places yet)
   Why adults complain that there are no ‘young people’ in church (when there are)

   I’ll stop there and come back later today…

   June 20th, 2007 at 12:16 am
5. Tractor Girl says:
   

   Church + perplexing =
   Why we talk about reaching out but expect people to come to us to be reached
   Why we believe in the trinity and then only tend to talk about Jesus most of the time
   Why the chairs have to be joined up
   Why lots of churches have the same naff blue,pink or green cups and saucers
   Why the person at the front has to use the word “folk” instead of “people”, even if they never use the word in normal speech.

   June 20th, 2007 at 7:01 am
6. MB says:
   

   110 unanswered emails – why don’t you get some school kid on work experience during the summer holidays to answer them?

   June 20th, 2007 at 7:07 am
7. jody says:
   

   ooh, definitely something about ‘away in a manger’, used to be my favourite carole, now makes me wanna puke.

   okay, ideas:

   things I find perplexing:

   1. why people basically want to say ‘I told you so’ – this is the basic foundational premise of the Rapture, Left Behind series etc etc. you know a kind of ‘please let the rapture be true, because I’ve left a very smug message on a video at the back of the cabinet….’

   2. Why in the CEN or CT people are arguing about Penal Substitution and in church people are arguing about things like rotas and flowers.

   gotta go, will think of more
   x Jody

   June 20th, 2007 at 7:59 am
8. tortoise says:
   

   Biscuits. What the selection of biscuits available with coffee after the service says about the church.

   Sunday School/Junior Church. The merits and pitfalls of (a) having the kids in at the beginning of the service before they go out partway through; (b) just bringing them in at the end of the service; (c) having them in at the beginning, then out to do their own stuff, then back in at the end.

   Liturgical dance.

   I may think of more later.

   June 20th, 2007 at 9:53 am
9. tortoise says:
   

   I thought of more later.

   Bring & Share / Pot Luck Suppers. Perhaps there is a mathematical formula to determine how much of what foodstuff people should bring, to avoid ending up with 57 quiches and a banana.

   Church Retreats. What are they? What is the etiquette?

   How to spot who’s who at the Churches Together meeting.

   How do Local Ecumenical Partnerships work?

   June 20th, 2007 at 10:19 am
10. Lois Keen says:
    

    Why people give their used stuff – furniture, etc. – to the church, stuff they would not have in their homes but it’s “good enough for the church”.

    Why people give expired foodstuffs to the food pantry, instead of giving of their “firstfruits” to the poor.
    Lois

    June 20th, 2007 at 10:24 am
11. Jason says:
    

    some possible ideas:

    1) How to spot a Christian (or a vicar/minister/clergy) in public (assuming the vicar isn’t in some type of uniform of course!

    2) What is really happening at communion services / communion etiquette (sip or slug of communion wine, bread or wafers etc.).

    3) Why the Church of England ordains people twic e (deacon and then priest).

    June 20th, 2007 at 11:04 am
12. Phill says:
    

    Hmmm… I find it perplexing that people would argue about replacing pews with chairs because of the ‘character of the church’, even though they would be 10x more comfortable.

    I also find it perplexing that a church would spend 45 minutes arguing about which colour to paint the vestry! (in the end I think a fairly non-descript white colour was chosen).

    Church organists are always perplexing, particularly the ones who control the music with their Iron Fists.

    Can’t think of anything else at the moment…

    June 20th, 2007 at 11:16 am
13. Dave says:
    

    Lots of great stuff here – thank you.

    Of course this is good for everyone. It is good to get your perplexations off your chest.

    Please don’t stop!

    June 20th, 2007 at 11:20 am
14. Rebecca says:
    

    Rick Warren and Purpose Driven Ltd …oops I mean Life. Same goes for Nicky Gumbel and Alpha, although to a lesser extreme.

    I’d agree with liturgical dance, chairs being joined together, and things involving food that end up with a disproportionate amount of quiche. Also why we have to drink Shloer and Ribena instead of wine…

    People who don’t understand why I don’t want to go to Christian camps when (a) I feel uncomfortable in large groups of ecstatic people and (b) I don’t like camping.

    June 20th, 2007 at 11:26 am
15. Jaded for Jesus says:
    

    How long do you have to sit in a particular pew before you start to consider it ‘yours’. [And should a rotational seating system be mandatory, to avoid "pew-complacency"?]

    Why does a period of doubting one’s faith so often follow confirmation? [Or is this just because so many people tend to get confirmed just pre-adolescence, when all is questioned?]

    Why do so many parents want to get their kids into a church school (because results happen to be better) but then resent it being a church school and the presence of Christian religion in the curriculum?

    June 20th, 2007 at 11:33 am
16. Karin says:
    

    Why in the 21st century do some churches emphasise wives obeying their husbands to the point of encouraging them to put up with abuse of various kinds?

    June 20th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
17. jody says:
    

    i also find it perplexing (I’m loving that word by the way) that:

    1. we judge each other’s ‘soundness’ on our behaviour in church on a sunday morning and/or being able to say clever bible-y things which we overheard someone behind us say.
    2. powerpoint, need I say more.
    3. people who judge what comes out of your mouth by whether you happen to have XX chromosomes.
    4. ‘soundness’ I don’t understand this concept very well. I’m sure there must be a cartoon involving tuning forks.

    this is good, I’m going to do something about this on my blog, see you in a mo’

    June 20th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
18. Ian M says:
    

    I find perplexing that some people read the same bits of bible as me and come out with oh-so-very-different interpretations.

    June 20th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
19. Gregory Porilo says:
    

    I play organ at an Anglican church once a month and at the start of the Service, when the vicar rings the bell, leaves the Sacristy and approaches the Ambo, the congregation does not stand up. Why? They don’t stand up until the first hymn is announced. I’ve never come across this in any other church. Normally people stand up as soon as the bell is rung.

    June 20th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
20. jody says:
    

    oooh I think Ian M’s idea too.

    I see two people sat reading the same bit of the Bible and thought bubbles from each person saying equal and opposite things.

    eg: How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! Ps 133v1

    thought bubble 1: it means that we must live together in unity

    thought bubble 2: it means that we must live together in unity….only if we are in total doctrinal agreement with each other

    June 20th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
21. Julie+ says:
    

    As a priest, I find it perplexing that parishioners insist they want more children’s programs, book studies, service times, etc., etc., ad nauseum, but fail to show up for any of the programs/services when they’re offered. Is it just that they want to brag that their church has more stuff than the church down the road? Do they not get the “no people, no program” part?

    And I also find theological writing perplexing for the most part. Why the heck can’t authors say things clearly rather than using endless sentence, jargon, and made-up words (ever heard of “distanciation”?)? I know it’s tough to write about something as incomprehensible as God, but surely the writing doesn’t have to be incomprehensible, as well.

    There’s more, but I’m done venting for now

    June 20th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
22. Russ says:
    

    Perplexitudes for me include …

    Sitting and standing in your average CofE service – the whys and wherefores
    Why even really exciting Bible readings can be read in such a boring voice so often
    How many layers the average vicar wears
    Church treasurers and the Mafia – is there a connection?

    Other random questions:
    - if your church had to be represented by a cheese, which would it be and why?
    - how do you stop silent prayer moving into a time of daydreaming, followed by a season of dozing?
    - is the cross a registered trademark?
    - when the trees of the field get around to clapping their hands, which bits will be their hands? And what will it sound like?

    Sorry, sometimes the brain just fizzes like a dissolving Alka Seltzer …

    June 20th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
23. Keith says:
    

    Why when ordaining an Anglican deacon he or she is presented only with a copy of the New Teastament. You have to wait until you are priested before you are trusted with the whole Bible.

    Favourite piece of theology-speak from college days: ‘the ontic Jesus in his facticity’ (Sandra Schneiders).

    June 20th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
24. ruth says:
    

    1) How much you get roped into doing once you attend a church – with little consideration for the sad fact that you are not bi-locatory: “Good morning, you were here last week, weren’t you?Jolly good. Would you mind becoming a bell-ringer, reading the lesson, joining the cleaning rota, reading the lesson, being a sidesman, being a church-warden, doing the intercessions and running the creche”?

    2) The ever-increasing number of chalice-bearers we seem to have. Communion is over in the blink of an eye in our church.

    3) The fact that people are trained and rota’d to meet and greet before the service begins!!

    4) Certain lines from hymns that sound funny because, for example, people breath in the wrong places, like “The golden eve. Ning brightens in the west”.

    June 20th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
25. Philip of samaria says:
    

    Good te see your getting out more Dave…

    June 21st, 2007 at 7:08 am
26. Methodist says:
    

    I am perplexed about why we put grape juice in a chalice on the altar to be blessed but then don’t dish it out to anyone; each communicant gets a little shot glass type thing. Chalice grape juice is often drunk by a thirsty communion steward shortly before washing up.

    And we always call the grape juice ‘wine’.

    June 21st, 2007 at 10:59 am
27. hopeeternal says:
    

    Have you ever looked through one of the complete Anglican vestment catalogues? (I know you have just been at CRE…) Plenty of laughs there – and the prices…!

    To add to Lois, above… Why people give away their out of date foodstuffs for harvest collections. (We once found a bag of wet fish that had been ‘stewing’ in church for over 24hours. It went straight in the bin.) And why the mountains of Baked Beans at harvest – where do they come from and where do they all go?

    Children & candles at Christingle (and flowing clergy robes) – an interesting mixture. (Yes, I know that the Children’s Society issue very good safety info, but…

    People complaining about things not being done but not realising they could offer … and people complaining when something is done to ‘their church’ when we have no idea who they are because they never come.

    Vicarage cats (yes, we have one!) Enjoys home group and participates (keeps laps warm, etc) in church council meetings. A good welcomer, if only we could teach him to make the coffee………!

    June 21st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
28. James says:
    

    Rather than perplexing, out of date harvest gifts are really annoying. Last year’s record (2006) was a rusty tin of meat which was ‘Use by Dec 2000′. When I warned people to check dates (why should we give to others what we perceive as not good-enough for our use?) what were they thinking of? Am strangely looking forward to see what is the oldest gift this year!

    June 21st, 2007 at 3:55 pm
29. jody says:
    

    on the ‘oldest harvest gifts’ line. last year after the harvest lunch, the leaders auctioned off gifts that weren’t deemed suitable for the truck to ‘feed the children’ – we’d been asked only for tins and long date stuff – we bid for a few things and the top gift we came home with was a box of chocolates which, when I opened them, were squashed and covered in that white stuff which screams ‘old old old chocolate’. Hmmm, what do people think when they give that stuff away.

    we also bid for a bottle of wine, which was very nice.

    June 21st, 2007 at 5:38 pm
30. Jewish future vicar's wife says:
    

    I’m perplexed by whether the practice of the server washing the hands of the vicar before communion is a throw back to the practise of washing one’s hands before consuming bread (even though Jesus critised it) or the practise of the Levites washing the hands of the Cohens in the Temple.

    Also Jews 4 Jesus.

    Also Christians doing ‘passover seders’ that bear only the most fleeting of resemblances to an actual seder.

    June 21st, 2007 at 7:37 pm
31. Richard says:
    

    As an organist who also likes some of that ghastly modern music involving rappers/samples/etc., I am ever perplexed why people think that music written 30 years ago (or written 30 minutes ago, but sounding like it was written 30 years ago) is “contemporary”.

    June 22nd, 2007 at 12:52 pm
32. Jude Read says:
    

    In my church, almost all of the “Young People” (i.e., people who are less than sixty years of age) avoid the Family Service if they can possibly help it. This does not perplex me: I’m definitely still a “Young Person” in my church, and I rue the day that I’d have to sit through the chatty, streamer-waving, theologically-edgy-hymn-singing Family Service. What perplexes me is that the clergy talk about attracting “The Lost Generation” to the church and inaugurate more of the same sort of programmes that the “Young People” all seem to studiously avoid.

    June 28th, 2007 at 2:38 am
33. Mary says:
    

    In our church, the family service is the best service! When I started going to the church I go to now, I’m ashamed to admit that was the only service I’d go to – I’d miss out the other 3 weeks! Thinga have improved since…

    Why do some people only feel happy with hymns that were written in the 16-18th century? Why do the same people call a hymn that is nearly 100 years old “modern”?

    June 28th, 2007 at 8:10 am
34. Jude Read says:
    

    Be that as it may, Mary, I remain perplexed as to why the clergy at my church continue to pursue a proven unproductive line of action.

    June 28th, 2007 at 4:15 pm