Cartooning by committee

35 Responses to “Cartooning by committee”

1. Simo says:
   

   Christingles: first made after a document leaked from the ministry of defence showed how to make a ocean mine, cocktail sticks useful for sward fights (at least my boys seem to think so!) there has got to be some mileage in the lethal nature of an orange with sharp sticks and fire!
   Fresh expressions: some play on the idea of stale, mouldy expressions?
   Curates: to do the jobs the vicar doesn’t like! Getting the diocese to cover part of the cost of the youth worker?
   Bishops: I’m not going to go there considering recent headlines!
   Hope this all helps.
   Cheers, Simo

   December 11th, 2006 at 10:22 am
2. phil goodacre says:
   

   I heard of a church that yesterday played a game which was re-christened “strip christingle”.

   December 11th, 2006 at 10:26 am
3. Secondfish says:
   

   Christingles: don’t let the children take them home. Instead, hang them up in the church all year.

   Fresh Expressions: “are you having a giraffe?”, “Church 2.0″, “this divine darkness represents a type of supra-darkness that stands in sharp contradistinction to the sub-darkness of a desolate nihilism” (quote from Pete Rollins in ‘How Not To Speak Of God’)

   Curates: stand right next to the priest to learn the right mumbo-jumbo for the communion prayer.

   Bishops: no ideas, but did you know you can make yourself look like a bishop simply by wearing your y-fronts on your head? try it today.

   P.S. Thanks for the downloadable calendars. Very nice.

   P.P.S. Thanks for everything else.

   December 11th, 2006 at 10:36 am
4. joeturner says:
   

   Christingle – Diversion created by adults to keep children engaged during boring Christmas services. The evolution of diversions from boring Christmas services is quite interesting: Stable-Carol-Tree-Santa-Christingle. The problem is that adults inevitably fail to recognise the point at which diversions become silly and boring.

   Fresh Expression – church ‘with’ or ‘by’ something. Church with doughnuts. Church with cinema. Church with pub. Church by washing laundry. Church by drinking whisky. You cut out all the silliness of existing church traditions and insert your own new modern and improved silliness.

   Curate – someone in training for higher and better things. Person who knows how to operate the photocopier. Think school prefect.

   Bishop – guy with pointy hat who lives in a cathedral. Not to be confused with a Dean, who is a guy in a pointy hat who runs the cathedral. Someone who has ex cathedra authority over the clergy in his diocese. Not to be confused with the Archdeacon who has acathedral authority over the clergy in his diocese, the DDO who is a man with a large and scary office or the Diocene Youth Officer who has no authority over anything.

   disclaimer: the above is not strictly accurate.

   December 11th, 2006 at 10:38 am
5. Neil says:
   

   My first Christmas in an Anglican church confused me on many levels, but most of all I was wondering what was so great about the visiting speaker that they had each year at a special service, and I will admit I never did get the chance to hear Chris Dingle give a sermon…

   December 11th, 2006 at 10:45 am
6. Sarah B says:
   

   Christingle “fun” includes

   How much red tape does it take to go round 200 oranges?

   How exactly DO you get a candle into an orange

   When making them the difficulty of spiking dolly mixtures with cocktail sticks is a unique experience.

   I remember one year realising that once you have put THREE sweets on each stick of ONE orange you then need to do it on ALL of them. DO NOT DO THIS – it takes forEVER!!! Two sweets a stick is enough.

   Also a couple of years ago I was manning the light switches for that lovely moment when all the children stand around the church and have their Christingles lit. What I saw (aside from the usual terror of long haird child next to child who’s not paying attention to their candle flame) was two of m young teens ROASTING their sweets on the flame of the candle.

   We also have a GIANT Christingle which is like 3 ft tall.

   (I’ve always thought a Terry’s chocolate orange Christingle would be more fun if you could guarentee it wouldn’t melt!)

   Curate – the one who doesn’t yet know all the things everybody else knows and we all smile indulgently when they discover them. I think sometimes vicars make use of their newness to get them to try to do things which they’ve wanted to try but didn’t dare!! I’d say it’s more like someone who WANTS to be a prefect.

   I think some kind of container that could keep expressions fresh would be good. Or some fresh expressions as opposed to “tired old expressions”.

   December 11th, 2006 at 11:04 am
7. H says:
   

   Christingles – as lids we always used to “toast” the sweets-on-sticks on the candle.
   This year my church is considering the use of Brussel Sprouts…

   December 11th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
8. Michelle says:
   

   As a curate I have found it most enlightening reading these comments!

   It often feels that there is a general assumption that no matter what you did before you became a curate – either in a professional or parental or church capacity – you are now a slightly stupid, clueless, bungling idiot. It’s very humbling at least… oh yes, and then there’s the children’s/youth work

   Christingle: Aaah, lovely, look at all the flickering candles… but then look at all the stressed adults getting more and more worried that if the vicar doesn’t get a move on and give the ‘blow the candles out’ order soon, little Jamie is going to set light to the altar cloth and Jemima’s ponytail!

   December 11th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
9. Michelle says:
   

   (add-on to my comment…) Not that we have Jamie’s and Jemima’s round here… we’re a bit more ‘Vikki Pollard’!

   December 11th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
10. Dave says:
    

    Thanks for the ideas so far which I have printed out and will look at downstairs.

    Michelle – Thanks for your comment. I am aware that I can be in danger of reinforcing inaccurate stereotypes, but I do try not to do so. I’m aiming for a ‘pro-curates’ cartoon.

    December 11th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
11. maggi says:
    

    my experience as a curate? make the tea, look after the children (prob because I was a woman, as I had absolutley zilch experience at looking after children) and do the Funerals. I always did at least 2 funerals a week, and sometimes did two in a day. Funeral directors are extraoridnary and sometimes rather wonderful people. All that time hanging around death’s door makes it essential to keep a sense of humaour, but it also gives your sense of humour a new, darkened side…

    December 11th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
12. maggi says:
    

    bishops? I’ve met some lovely ones who do what they are supposed to do and take care of their priests. But you could read yesterday’s press on the Bishop of Southwark and form your own opinion…

    December 11th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
13. Marge says:
    

    Curates can be recognised by :
    The newness of their clerical shirts which they always wear even on the Sunday school outing to the sea life centre
    Their constant harping on about ‘fresh expressions’ and ‘café church’ much to the annoyance of the vicar who knows nothing of such matters and hasn’t done a fresh expression of anything in a very long time
    Their love of sparkly expensive stoles (note this is not true of curates of a certain other churchmanship)

    What does the curate do?
    Make the coffee and put out the chairs

    Anything that the vicar:
    a) doesn’t like doing
    b) says he’s to busy to do
    c) says is not ‘his gift’
    all given to the curate as ‘training opportunities’

    Offer comfort and a listening ear when the vicar falls out with:
    the churchwarden,
    Mrs Brown who washes the alter linen
    the man who comes to check the lightning conductor
    the girl at Tesco’s who wouldn’t give a discount for the Christingles’ oranges (this last job had been given to the curate who stupidly bought only 30 instead of 300 and the vicar said it would have been quicker to have done it himself. The curate did not disagree with this last point.)

    Anything that involves children, youth or the elderly

    Make the coffee and put out the chairs

    Who makes the christingles?
    The curate is in charge of this job. The curate invites all the people from church he/she likes to a ‘christingle making evening’ and everyone gets very drunk on home made mulled wine which has only been warmed through everso slightly in order to retain the alcohol. Melissa’s grandma, who always comes to the christingle service on Christmas Eve was shocked to find a very rude word indeed scored into the orange peel on Melissa’s christingle and wrote a strong letter to the bishop. She didn’t get a reply because the bishop was taking a sabbatical at the time. (This is what bishops do.)

    December 11th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
14. Rob says:
    

    Fresh Expressions seem to involve burning things a lot.

    One of my more interesting tasks at Greenbelt is explaining to groups just why it is a Bad Idea to set fire to:
    - A garden Shed
    - A cross (yes really)
    - Five dozen candles in a marquee

    And also why, once lit, a firelighter brickette cannot be picked up.

    Burning things is clearly Pleasing Unto The LORD, even if the things include fingers…

    December 11th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
15. Royston says:
    

    How about fusing two together? ‘Fresh Expressions’ of Christingle – use of various different fruits – Christingle Pinapple perhaps?

    December 11th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
16. James says:
    

    As a Curate I used to put out chairs and do the photocopying (someone else made the coffee).

    As a Vicar I put out the chairs and do the photocopying (there is some else who insists on making the coffee)

    I have not seen my Bishop putting out chairs and he has someone wonderful to do the photocopying (Lyn). Lyn also makes the coffee. Lyn is neither a Curate nor a Vicar

    December 11th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
17. Chris says:
    

    I don’t have an interesting anecdote about Christingle services, but I can say they fill me with trepidation. After all, what could be more fear-inducing that a large group of young children being given items that contain both fire and sharp sticks?

    It’s madness, I tell you.

    December 11th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
18. Michelle says:
    

    Yeah, good luck with that ‘pro-curates’ cartoon then Dave! I’ll be back to check on progress… when I’ve put out the chairs!

    December 11th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
19. MadPriest says:
    

    You know, Dave, we would all find it a lot easier to explain to you the concept of the Trinity and how it actually works than answe any of these questions. Certainly, in respect of number 4, after 2000 years of studying the subject, ecclesiologists have only managed to come up with the one answer – “It’s a mystery.”

    December 11th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
20. David Keen says:
    

    fresh expressions of church meeting:
    a choir that doesn’t sing
    a mothers union composed entirely of men
    a PCC that makes decisions

    December 11th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
21. Ulrich says:
    

    I’m following the Christingle discussion with great interest.
    On Thursday I have to preach on a Christingle at an Anglo-German service and explain the concept to the German half of the congregation.
    My experience of a Christingle service is restricted to the annual recurrance on The Archers so far.

    On bishops: we have a female bishop in our church. And she is great. She’s just been voted “Woman of the Year” by one of our women’s magazines.

    “Fresh expression”: anything to do with “multi-”, like “multisensory worship”, multiculturalism, “multi-faith” …
    or should be “inter…”???

    December 11th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
22. Aaron says:
    

    Curates try very hard not to criticize the vicar, or agree with criticism of the vicar, while sipping tea at coffee hour.

    Bishops keep moving, as fast as they can, so that nobody can pin anything on them…like questions about ordination or doctrinal controversies.

    December 11th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
23. emma says:
    

    Christingles – always best for the game of ‘who can keep their candle lit for the longest whilst blowing out everyone elses?’… incidentally I’ll be playing that game myself in about an hour at the chapel carols by candlelight…!

    December 11th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
24. Tiffer says:
    

    Bishops throw toys out of other peoples cars!

    December 11th, 2006 at 6:21 pm
25. Dave says:
    

    Thanks for all the ideas so far – just to say that I have now drawn my Christingle cartoon and your ideas have been invaluable. I’ll add a note to this effect to the blog.

    December 11th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
26. birdie says:
    

    I know you’ve done the Christingle cartoon, but I just had to tell you.

    My niece’s hair caught fire at a Christingle service once.

    No really.

    December 11th, 2006 at 8:58 pm
27. David says:
    

    Fresh Expressions

    There is a dvd available in which you can find out about (amongst others) the skateboard church where the kids are encouraged to do their tricks in worship of God, there’s the church in Liverpool where people make bread together (and then presumably eat it), there’s messy church where the children make an almighty mess and have fun as well as the more trendy alt.worship type stuff that people tend to associate with fresh expressions.

    Quite off the point, Dave, when you going to draw us a cartoon about all our bruised and battered bishops that we seem to have lately?

    December 11th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
28. David says:
    

    I know you’ve done your Christingle services but had to tell you about…

    our recent Christingle all-age service which included a firework display “for the kids”. Of course, all the kids saw the first rocket go up and explode with a bang at which point they all started crying and had to be rushed inside as quickly as possible.

    December 11th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
29. Elizabeth says:
    

    What curates do is look at people who have asked them this question and make an instant expert assessment to decide whether the person has ever heard of a curate. Then, nine times out of ten, they say ‘I’m a vicar’.

    December 12th, 2006 at 7:09 am
30. Russ says:
    

    Maybe Fresh Impressions of church:
    Cynic’s view:
    * A small group of people who don’t like normal church, and want an excuse to chat and drink coffee while appearing mildly alternative
    Idealist’s view:
    * A small group of people who don’t like normal church, and want an excuse to chat and drink coffee while appearing mildly alternative, building one another up in the faith and seeing people become Christians via creative, community-based mission
    Coffee shop owner’s view:
    * Bunce
    Vicar’s view:
    * Keep’s the troublemakers out of my hair
    Bishop’s view:
    * Helps us look progressive
    Theological worry:
    * If you gather a small group of people around a piece of paper in someone’s living room, seeking inspiration, you may end up either learning origami or becoming Quakers …

    December 12th, 2006 at 9:58 am
31. Richard says:
    

    As a Curate I used to put out chairs and do the photocopying (someone else made the coffee).

    I was recently at a meeting where the coffee-making was a joint effort between the curate, the Area Dean, the Lay Chairman of the Deanery Synod, and the Archdeacon. The assembled laity were very polite about their combined coffee-making skills…

    December 12th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
32. Sarah B says:
    

    Ok I’m now VERY excited to see the Christingle cartoon.

    Curates putting out chairs??? This must surely be in a parish where there’s no youthworker!

    December 12th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
33. Mary says:
    

    We have no curate, so I was dragged out to make the coffee for the deanery meeting…

    I’ve never set fire to my hair at a Christingle, but I did at a Taize service. The awful thing was I could hear all this whispering “what’s that burning smell?”

    As for “Fresh Expression”, its probably what the older members of the congregation would call “new-fangled happy-clappy nonsense”!

    December 12th, 2006 at 5:40 pm
34. Shaun says:
    

    Curates? Well our bishop always warns how easily they can be ‘chaplain to the opposition’

    December 12th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
35. SteveT says:
    

    On Sundays, bishops preside & liturgise.

    On Monday mornings they sit with their mitres at a slightly tired angle with the crozier on their laps, gazing wistfully out of the front room window and perhaps drumming their fingers for a bit.

    December 13th, 2006 at 8:08 am